4 days...

4 days.  4 days until a race I have been planning for for over a year.  I started training for the Richmond marathon (november last year) with the plan of doing Ironman this year.  It just feels surreal to finally have something you have been waiting for and working towards for such a long time to finally be here.  Utterly surreal.  And almost like it isn't really happening.  I keep wondering if I will wake up and this is just a dream and I still have another month to go. 

The last few months have been hard.  And I even worry that I haven't been training enough.  I keep going through moments of feeling confident, then switching to panic, then moving back to feeling at calm.  It's like the emotions are in a spin cycle.  I have a huge respect for this race: for the distance and the toughness it will take to complete it.  I can only hope I am up to snuff.  I keep imagining different parts of the race.  Maybe a part where I feel nauseous but I push through anyhow.  Or a part on the run when my legs want to give out-but I push through anyhow.  I may not fully know yet how difficult this is going to be, but I am trying to focus on one fact: no matter what, I can push through. 

I was thinking the other day about the reasons to do Ironman. I really want the sticker.  The 140.6  But besides that, I have always enjoyed the race against myself.  I have never been the super competitive, when things get hard-go faster to win type of person.  I have always been more in tune with the events where you are pushed against yourself.  Pole-vault and high jump were my main things in high school.  While I wanted to finish well, it was more about doing better than my last jump or last vault.  I have always been more of an internally motivated athlete vs. one who excels against competition.  This is what has drawn me to endurance sports.  I can push myself and test my limits.  I know I am not out there to win anything and that is fine with me because the only person I am racing against is myself. And this is the spirit I hope to bring to Ironman saturday. 

To push through what might feel impossible.  I am excited, nervous, eager, terrified, and in awe of what will be happening in the next few days.  In all of it, I am going to trust I have spent the past year preparing my body and getting it ready for what I am about to ask it to do.  So in this moment, I am calm..

I am sure in five minutes I will be back to freaking out.