What DO I DO?!?!

So I am toying with the idea of going after a 50 mile ultra marathon next summer.  Just toying at this point.  I am weighing how much time it will take and the energy I will have to put into it vs. everything else that is pulling on my demands.  I think the underlying problem here is I am an endurance junkie.  And let's be honest, is this *really* a problem? I don't think so.  But it is a very time consuming hobby.  Why is it that I have to be attracted to the hobby that requires so much of my damn time?  I don't know.  But it is what it is.

So my attention is drawn to the idea of an ultra.  I think this started last year when I was really reading and getting into "Eat and Run" and "Born to Run".  Two books that really highlight and bring attention to the ultramarathon world.  They also helped me re-do some of my running technique which I didn't realize would pay off as much as it did until my Ironman.  I remember after my marathon I was really tight and sore in the hip flexors.  This was also a feeling that plagued me during training runs.  After concentrating on how I ran (forefoot-mood foot-heel strike) and just overall mentality with running, I noticed a huge improvement in my gait and how I felt afterwards with just some simple changes.  So I was beginning to think about these longer running races last year while preparing for my first marathon. 

But after a year and some change of preparing for Ironman which really does start 6 months out and the training is very time consuming, I am re-thinking this.  Mostly I am just unsure if I want to devote so much time to it.  Part of me wants a mental break from that type of focus and time dedication.  I also know myself well enough to know I will need to have something to focus on when it comes to races/events. I don't know if this will be fulfilled with simply doing olympic distance races or maybe a half ironman in there.  I am thinking about entering the bay swim again and maybe some other open water swimming events. 

So my mind is turning...

Getting back to normal..

It is still very bizarre that this all happened.  I mean, three weeks ago I was preparing for a huge event.  It has been a strange adjustment and I think I am still getting used to everything that has changed in  the last three weeks.  I went from spending every day working out and training for at least two hours to a complete shift.  To say that Ironman feels like it was all just a dream would be putting it mildly. 

I think the hardest part has been trying to figure out what "normal life" is now.  My mind and perspective is still pretty skewed and I find myself feeling guilty that I didn't work out.  I still think about what I should be doing..even though I don't *have* to be doing anything.  I have been trying to give myself plenty of time to rest.  Over the last two weeks right after the race, I did not really do much physical activity.  I swam a few time and have gone on maybe two runs.  Swimming feels pretty good, but I could tell that I was tired with the run.  So I have been backing off and trying to make sure I really give my body the rest time.  This week I am hoping to get back to some sort of near daily routine.  I have never been one to not be active or doing something. 

Which also brings to another big change which is strange: new fitness goals.  I am not sure where to put my focus.  I am still changing my thoughts away from having to do so much endurance.  I find myself getting caught up in the thoughts of "If I don't do at least an hour or two-then its not worth it".  Which isn't true.  I have been doing so much volume that the shift to doing less is tough.  But I am trying to re-focus and determine what my new fitness goals are going to be this winter.  I know I really want to work on my strength training and getting more toned/fit in that way.  I also want to work on my swimming since that is something that I very much enjoy. 

So we will see.  All in all, I am trying to find a new normal and a new balance.  And it's tough.  Because despite how much I griped and complained at time about the volume...I also miss pushing myself so much.  I guess sometimes it is hard to just be still and be satisfied. 

Something to strive for.

Ironman Maryland Race review

Well first and foremost I cannot believe that race day has come and gone. It is unbelievable.  I knew going in that the whole weekend would feel like a blur. These races always do. It still feels like yesterday that I just signed up for the race. And not too long ago that my friend Lori and I decided to even do this race at all. I mean, it was unbelievable.  Ironman truly puts on a fantastic and well run event.  So here is my review of the events:

Pre-race and the Swim

The alarm went off at about 4:15 am. We were planning on getting there roughly around 5:30 since transition opened at 5 and closed at 6:30.  We wanted enough time to get settled, drop off bags to special needs and feel ready. These moments were a blur. The volunteers were great and all the other athletes were awesome as well. Everyone was in good spirits and encouraging.

They did the swim in a rolling start and the starters asked the athletes to seed themselves according to time. My pool times have been right around or under the one hour and twenty minute mark. So I seeded myself at the beginning of the 1 hour and 30 minute group. 

The water felt great and it was just beautiful. I let myself get acclimated to the water and try to get used to sighting. It was pretty packed in and as I was going along,  I definitely found myself running into people. But I also noticed myself passing a fair amount of people too. I was trying to remember my pacing practice which I spent a lot of time in the pool trying to work on. Or make it a game by trying to pick out people to pass. The swim went by so fast. I tried to just enjoy it and settle into the mental mindset that it was going to be a very long day.

At the end of the swim, it was shallow enough to stand fairly early and I ran into a few people going into the finish. I always swim until the last bit since I feel that is way more efficient than walking through waist high water.  I was out and into transition in an hour and thirty minutes. Not bad and the start I wanted. So mentally, I was off to a good start.

Transition

The best part was the wet suit strippers. You run in, lay on the ground and someone pulls off your wet suit for you. Best. Thing. Ever.

After this I grabbed my bike gear bag and ran into the changing tent where you are surrounded by so many naked women.  One thing about this type of event is that all dignity or modesty is tossed out the window. People are rubbing cream and Vaseline on all different body parts and all day long. Snot rockets. Peeing on the bikes. Sweat. Farts. (My favorite sign read: don't trust a fart). Yeah, Ironman athletes are pretty gross.

The bike: my nemesis

I started the bike in good spirits. I had hit my swim mark and had a plan for my bike. The night before, I had bought disposable water bottles to put on the bike since at aid stations there would be full water bottles to replace any used water.

Somehow between lori and I, 3 out of 5 water bottles were brought to transition and 2 were left behind at the hotel...so I told lori to take two and I would take one and fill up at the aid station. Within one mile after starting the bike, I hit a bump and off my bike that one bottle falls. Woops.

Thankfully the first station wasn't too far off and I filled up with three bottles. The first 30 miles of the bike went okay. There were signs to indicate every ten miles. The problem was they also said the miles of the second loop. So I would pass 20 and then also saw  mile marker 70. Bah.

I became very grumpy from mile 30-70. That's 40 miles of me gating the bike, imagining ways to get out of the race that were not disgraceful, swearing, telling myself I would never bike again, and thinking about selling my bike. I tried distracting myself by thinking of songs and reminding myself to just keep going.  I mostly stayed on top of my nutrition. I was getting a little nauseous which is something I dealt with during training. After what felt like forever, I finally reached the second loop and special needs.  I had pit a few things in my special needs that really helped: ginger ale and an oats n honey granola bar. My lively boyfriend had also written me a note and slipped it in there. So of course I start crying (this is a theme for the day).  I take what I need and head out for lap 2.

The weather was pretty good. The wind was a bit tough on the first lap and the sun was out, but would also go through moments of cloud coverage. I started feeling hot and then also started pouring water over myself every 15 minutes. I think this is what helped me turn the bike around. At about mile 70 I started feeling a lot better and picked up my speed.  I had been passed by a lot of people early on, but at the end I was doing some of the passing.

When I finally hit 100 miles it dawned on me that the bike was nearly over. I had biked by my supporters a few times and my parents.  I had started crying a few times just in being overwhelmed by it all. The last 12 miles felt unreal and my right foot started hurting. I was definitely ready to be off the bike.

When you bike in, the route takes you by some of the run course. I was able to start encouraging the people I saw which felt awesome.

I was off the bike after seven hours and forty some minutes. Thank God.

Second transition.

More nudity. And jokes. Good spirits all around. But mostly more nudity.

The Run

I am convinced the Ironman Race is really just about the bike. The swim is a warm up, then the main event of the bike followed by a marathon cool down.

I started the run feeling pretty good. I had mostly hit the time I wanted off the bike (planned for 7.5 hours). So I knew I had a decent amount of time to finish the run. My worst case scenario was to walk it if need be. I started the run at roughly 4:20- 4:30 pm.

My legs felt good. I knew for the run it would mostly just be about forward movement. Just keep going. The supporters were out in full force and that helped with the excitement of it all. I met and talked with some pretty cool people along the course. The aide stations and volunteers were amazing. I had planned to run the cousins with my fuel/water belt but ended up giving it to Nick after the first few miles because the aide stations were so well kept and frequent. I just didn't need it.

The only thing that sucked was the fact that the run course was a three loop route. They had you run by the finish twice, which for the first lap was fine. By the second turn around though, it just felt mean. But it was motivating to hear it and know that I just had one more loop until that was me.

I remember feeling pretty decent through most of the marathon. I didn't start to really be sick of it until mile 21. That was when I just felt done with the race. I was sick of it and bored. I had done all I could to mentally keep myself occupied. I was done with it.

What I will say is the supporters were great.  Nick walked with me some which helped a lot. I was able to see my fellow training partner Lori and hug her as she was heading to finish. I saw two others I knew who were doing the race. It was really surreal.  I definitely started tearing up multiple times at the end of the run.

The Finish

When people tell you the finish line of Ironman is like nothing else- they were not kidding. It is unbelievable.  The fans, volunteers and atmosphere is just incredible. I think at the end everyone is so exhausted but somehow, you find the energy to run down that finisher chute. 

It was surreal. So unreal and to hear your name announced as an Ironman.  I can't even fully describe it. I was tearing up and trying not to cry as I crossed. I didn't want that ugly, teary eyed face.

it still feels like a blur. I knew it would go by fast but it just feels unreal.

I can't believe that it has happened. I have dreamt about this so much over the last year. Not to mention how much this has been on my mind since starting triathlon four years ago. Pretty much everything I have done in this past year has been to help prep me for Ironman. What an experience. 

You can also find find the Ironman Race recap here: Race Day 2014  

Dreams. Or lack thereof.

I have always been a very vivid dreamer.  And I remember them.  I could tell you dreams from middle school that have stuck with me.  And some that have been recurring dreams.  If I was a part of a native american tribe, I would be their dreamwalker.  I have never really put much stock in dream interpretation or anything of the sort, but I do feel that sometimes dreams can be our minds' way of trying to work out events or situations.  Or a reflection of anxiety or situations that are weighing heavily on a persons' mind. 

Normally before any triathlon, I will have triathlon related dreams.  Maybe forgetting something in transition or being late.  You know, the typical "I am worried about this situation" kind of dream.  And it doesn't really even matter which triathlon.  I have done the Columbia triathlon for three years and every year before it I would have some kind of dream about the race.  I had dreams about the Bay swim (some involved sharks-not cool mind, not cool).  And I had dreams before my marathon and before my half ironman.  So having dreams, very vivid ones which I remember, is not foreign to me. 

So I was expecting a lot of dreams this week.  And last week.  All about Ironman or triathlon and dealing with the anxious and excitement I have been feeling towards this race.  Maybe some about the fears I have with it.  Or the worries of not completing a portion in the time I want.  I had one dream maybe a month ago of not going at all.  I went to play tennis instead. 

To my surprise, there has been none.  Outside of the one dream I had a few weeks ago, there has been no new dreams about ironman.  Nothing.  Nada.  And this has surprised me quite a bit. 

Now I realize I still have three more nights where possible dreams about the race may happen, but usually I would have been dreaming by now.  I am going to take this strange lack of anxious dreams as a good sign.  Maybe it is my minds way of telling me to calm down.  That the endurance is there and that I have done all that I can to prepare for this event.  (which I have-I can't do anything now about what type of shape my body is in).  And maybe it is also related to the fact that I know, deep down, no matter what happens-I will just keep going. 

It doesn't matter if my swim or bike or run doesn't go the way I plan-I will just keep going.  And I am going to draw confidence from my lack of dreams as my minds way of saying that I am as ready as I will ever be for what I am going to ask my body to do on saturday.

If I do have anything interesting come up in dreams, I will be sure to let you all know ;-)

4 days...

4 days.  4 days until a race I have been planning for for over a year.  I started training for the Richmond marathon (november last year) with the plan of doing Ironman this year.  It just feels surreal to finally have something you have been waiting for and working towards for such a long time to finally be here.  Utterly surreal.  And almost like it isn't really happening.  I keep wondering if I will wake up and this is just a dream and I still have another month to go. 

The last few months have been hard.  And I even worry that I haven't been training enough.  I keep going through moments of feeling confident, then switching to panic, then moving back to feeling at calm.  It's like the emotions are in a spin cycle.  I have a huge respect for this race: for the distance and the toughness it will take to complete it.  I can only hope I am up to snuff.  I keep imagining different parts of the race.  Maybe a part where I feel nauseous but I push through anyhow.  Or a part on the run when my legs want to give out-but I push through anyhow.  I may not fully know yet how difficult this is going to be, but I am trying to focus on one fact: no matter what, I can push through. 

I was thinking the other day about the reasons to do Ironman. I really want the sticker.  The 140.6  But besides that, I have always enjoyed the race against myself.  I have never been the super competitive, when things get hard-go faster to win type of person.  I have always been more in tune with the events where you are pushed against yourself.  Pole-vault and high jump were my main things in high school.  While I wanted to finish well, it was more about doing better than my last jump or last vault.  I have always been more of an internally motivated athlete vs. one who excels against competition.  This is what has drawn me to endurance sports.  I can push myself and test my limits.  I know I am not out there to win anything and that is fine with me because the only person I am racing against is myself. And this is the spirit I hope to bring to Ironman saturday. 

To push through what might feel impossible.  I am excited, nervous, eager, terrified, and in awe of what will be happening in the next few days.  In all of it, I am going to trust I have spent the past year preparing my body and getting it ready for what I am about to ask it to do.  So in this moment, I am calm..

I am sure in five minutes I will be back to freaking out.

9 days and counting...

Well we are under the ten day mark, believe it or not. I have officially started stalking the weather. Not that it makes much of a difference- I have no control over the weather, but it will make a difference in how I prepare mentally. I know if it's hotter, then I will need to  prepare with grabbing ice to keep my core cool and sponges to make sure the heat doesn't get to me. While 80 degrees (current prediction) might not seem too bad, biking constantly in the sun with no break will make it feel warmer. 

I still feel like it is all a dream. I can't believe that the day I have been preparing for for over a year is pretty much here.  I started thinking about this when I signed up for the Richmond marathon in November this year. I was also thinking ironman when I did the bay swim.  All of this endurance has been building for over a year and I am reminding myself of this each time I freak out. I hope I did enough training and I really just need to trust that. 

Going into this, I don't really have an expectation of time. I want to just finish. I have a goal time for the swim and an idea of the pace I want on the bike.  Other than that, my main goal is to just finish. And I want to enjoy it. I have worked so hard and I really want to take in all of race day.   The whole experience. Registration. The Expo.  The volunteers.  Everything. I just want to enjoy it. I know it's going to be tough. I know mentally I am going to be pushing myself as my body says it doesn't want to do anymore.  As much as I feel nervous about it being race day, I also want it to be race day. 

9 days...

On Feeling Proud

There have been a lot of moments over the past few months where I have felt proud of myself.  I remember my first 100 miles and how good that felt; the pride in that.  Pushing through my miserable 18 miles and despite walking a lot, feeling proud with pushing through.  Even the weeks I hit around 16 hours would spark a feeling of pride.  Finishing the Bay was a HUGE feeling of pride and wonder of what my body will let me push it through.  I think the reason some of these accomplishments feel so huge is because I reflect on where I started.  When I started swimming, I couldn't swim more than two laps without having to stop and catch my breath.  I used to call a swimmer friend of mine when I finished my first 1/4 of a mile-so proud of myself for continuously swimming that distance.  Kind of amusing if you think about it.

But I think what is sometimes even better than pride in self is pride in others.  And that is what I am going to reflect on today. 

My good training buddy Stacey is doing Ironman Wisconsin in three days.  I started my triathlon journey with her and meeting her through Team in Training sparked what has turned into a beautiful friendship.  She has inspired me on so many levels through not only her dedication in training and support she shows me, but also in pretty much everything else that she does.  We have dreamed about Ironman together, talked consistently throughout this whole training process and all the emotions/challenges that go into it.  Griped to one another about this situation or that.  She has dealt with my neurotic over thinking self on so many occasions and been patient through it all.  I am BEYOND thrilled to follow her journey on sunday and SO freaking proud of her for what she has done.  It has truly been a journey and my only regret is that I can't be there on race day for her in the physical moment. 

Another person to be proud of through all of this is my other training buddy, also met through Team in Training, Lori who is doing Ironman Maryland along side of me.  We both started this journey and dream back when we did our first half Ironman together in 2012.  This has truly been an emotional journey as I've seen her pick up through some tough physical issues and push through.  Not to mention all the other factors that life has thrown her way.  It has not been an easy training season and we have commiserated together, griped, complained and stressed to one another. We have picked each other up (sometimes mid-workout) and pushed each other. She is another one who has unfortunately had to deal with my over thinking self (my bad).  But I have also been so impressed by her strength, her genuineness and the way she always helps me to see past my worry. 

I am so freaking impressed and proud of these two women who are in my life.  I can't wait for them both to cross that finish line.  We have shared so much of our journey together-it is unreal.  Un-freaking-real.